Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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