'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
