he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
