Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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