I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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