The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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