I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
