im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
