We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
