i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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