So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
