How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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