Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
