I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
