I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
