i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
