You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
