he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
