Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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