This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
