I need help removing her.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
