I wish you could order shots online.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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