Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
