Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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