After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
