I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
