just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
