SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize