I didn't shave. On purpose
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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