What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
That accounts for only three of the penises
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
