I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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