eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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