I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
