Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
