in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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