Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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