I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
