i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
