it was like eating out sand paper
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
