So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
The air taste purple.
Randomize
