Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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