If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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