I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
