I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
