Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
