matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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