I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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