I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I cut my penus on the lid.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
