At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
