can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
