"it" just moved
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
